waiting for my constant supply of unexpressed feelings pop like a balloon

Is it dishonest to constantly tell myself to “smile!” for every situation? Even if the current situation may piss me off or make me sad?

Before the constant “smile” reminder, I threw tantrums for every little thing that pissed me off and I cried for every event that made me sad. Soon enough, I began to scare away some of my closest and dearest friends. My family never thought I could be so inconsiderate. I remember telling my dad that he was annoying, always nagging, about my personal life. I remember pushing my best friend away by screaming all types of foul drunken insults to her.

Before, I was never ashamed of expressing my hopes, dreams, desires, needs, and fears. If I liked a boy, hated a part of my body, or felt sad for a certain reason, I would tell my best friends. Hell, I didn’t have a problem expressing myself to new people! I would even express in great details. Nowadays, I feel like people either do not care or will judge me.

I can’t say what was the final push for me to become this “smiling” creature for every known situation but I’ve definitely found it more difficult to express myself, unguardedly, to other people. Some nights, I force myself to think of events and situations that bother me and I try to cry – but not a tear touches my pillows, not one! Have I become so guarded, that I can’t figure out what truly makes me unhappy? Don’t get me wrong – I find it pretty easy to complain and bitch about work or minor personal struggles. But when it comes to my fears, hopes, desires, and needs, I am unable to wholeheartedly express my thoughts to others. Just like a balloon, all of the unexpressed feelings that I am unable to let out will POP! Will I finally lose it? Or spew so much insults and inner thoughts that all of the people I love will run away and never come back?

I’m slowly trying to regain the confidence of expressing myself to others. I won’t lie to you but it’s truly been a challenge to do so. On one event, I purposely numbed myself with alcohol before I “let go.” Midway during my “expression,” the people around me begin to give me advice, opinions, and ask questions. I couldn’t handle some of the judgemental remarks so I immediately stop and change the subject. Have I become so guarded that even alcohol will not save me? Don’t ask me what the subject was – I’m way to guarded to let you know. I wish I could. I truly do.

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